Do you feel like your life has become a game of "Whisper, whisper, hush, hush?" Do you have a secret weighing down on you for so long, that you just can't keep it anymore?
Or, perhaps you've been convinced, due to a threat of being found out, or guilt about how your secret could hurt others, that the time has come to reveal your secret, and relieve yourself of the burden of shame and hiding that has weighed you down for so long. NOW what?
Well, best of all would be to use some common sense, I suppose. Public service announcements ("Do you read me Chicago? I always meant to finish high school..."), revelations during the best man's speech ("And here's something I've never told my OWN fiance!"), or trying to tell your secret while your spouse is running out of the house ("Hang on there, buddy. Don't close that door yet. It's about your best friend Ray-and, well me...!")-these all seem like bad techniques.
So where SHOULD you start? First, I can't urge you enough to process both your secret and its revelation in some way. You can do this via journaling, or confession, or speaking into a tape recorder. I'd most highly recommend some sessions with a therapist. These means you get to initially sort the secret out--kind of like a practice session, and, particularly with the therapist, you can go through again what you're most afraid of in releasing this secret.
Then, pick right moment. This is important, but of course if you have a new and urgent secret, you're going to have less flexibility. In one family I worked with, the husband had been a closet homosexual during the entire marriage, and had now contracted and was dying of AIDS. He had fewer options open to him in revealing the secret of his homosexuality to his family, since the matter had become urgent and time-bound.
But let's say it's not of that nature. Perhaps you're going to tell your spouse about a date rape that happened decades ago. Or let's say you want to share with your partner the fact that many years ago you had been obese and had gastric bypass surgery. Here you have more flexibility about when do open the topic. So don't choose to share this secret at a time of tension anyway.
Then, open the secret by degrees, testing the water. Tell the part of the story with the easiest layer first. Start with a "just the facts, ma'am" approach, and see how things naturally progress from there. Begin with the easiest people to tell-if it is appropriate to tell such people. I've found from my practice that young adults who are coming out often tell the people farthest from them genetically first--and build up the strength to tell their parents last. Of course, if the people who really should know the secret from you will find it out from one of the other people you've told first, this choice is right-out. You know how your own social group-dynamics work; use your own best judgment.
Other tips: don't construct a whole back story behind your secret to cover your guilt. I know it's tempting--I really do--but the moment when you finally share your secret is not the time for excuses or lies. Resist the urge to excuse yourself, and certainly don't create a new tissue of fabrication to explain your withholding; it just heaps trouble on trouble. Sit with the discomfort.
Don't tell the person to whom you're telling your secret that they in turn must hold your secret. Your secret then becomes their burden. Before you tell someone, think through your selection of confidantes and ask yourself what knowing your secret might be like for the person you're about to tell. If you're fearful that s/he might spread the information, ask yourself three questions: 1) Is this the right person to tell, is it a person who usually feels the need to spread information around?; 2) Will they tell people who: a) really shouldn't know, or b) I need to tell first; and 3)Why do I care if other people know? What am I so afraid of? Some of these answers might change whom you choose to tell.
Be careful if telling your secret creates an unhealthy triangle. Evan Imber-Black, a psychologist who has done extensive work on secrets within families writes of such a situation, "the secret wedges a boulder between those who know it and those who don't. To remove this obstacle, families must break the triangle formation" [from Psychologytoday.com, July 8, 1998 interview]. What that means, practically, is that you might not be able to pick the person you are closest to to share in your secret. You might not be able to pick your oldest daughter, your closest sibling, or even your best friend.
Watch What This Peer Is Doing with Women and... by zemtv
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6795550
Or, perhaps you've been convinced, due to a threat of being found out, or guilt about how your secret could hurt others, that the time has come to reveal your secret, and relieve yourself of the burden of shame and hiding that has weighed you down for so long. NOW what?
Well, best of all would be to use some common sense, I suppose. Public service announcements ("Do you read me Chicago? I always meant to finish high school..."), revelations during the best man's speech ("And here's something I've never told my OWN fiance!"), or trying to tell your secret while your spouse is running out of the house ("Hang on there, buddy. Don't close that door yet. It's about your best friend Ray-and, well me...!")-these all seem like bad techniques.
So where SHOULD you start? First, I can't urge you enough to process both your secret and its revelation in some way. You can do this via journaling, or confession, or speaking into a tape recorder. I'd most highly recommend some sessions with a therapist. These means you get to initially sort the secret out--kind of like a practice session, and, particularly with the therapist, you can go through again what you're most afraid of in releasing this secret.
Then, pick right moment. This is important, but of course if you have a new and urgent secret, you're going to have less flexibility. In one family I worked with, the husband had been a closet homosexual during the entire marriage, and had now contracted and was dying of AIDS. He had fewer options open to him in revealing the secret of his homosexuality to his family, since the matter had become urgent and time-bound.
But let's say it's not of that nature. Perhaps you're going to tell your spouse about a date rape that happened decades ago. Or let's say you want to share with your partner the fact that many years ago you had been obese and had gastric bypass surgery. Here you have more flexibility about when do open the topic. So don't choose to share this secret at a time of tension anyway.
Then, open the secret by degrees, testing the water. Tell the part of the story with the easiest layer first. Start with a "just the facts, ma'am" approach, and see how things naturally progress from there. Begin with the easiest people to tell-if it is appropriate to tell such people. I've found from my practice that young adults who are coming out often tell the people farthest from them genetically first--and build up the strength to tell their parents last. Of course, if the people who really should know the secret from you will find it out from one of the other people you've told first, this choice is right-out. You know how your own social group-dynamics work; use your own best judgment.
Other tips: don't construct a whole back story behind your secret to cover your guilt. I know it's tempting--I really do--but the moment when you finally share your secret is not the time for excuses or lies. Resist the urge to excuse yourself, and certainly don't create a new tissue of fabrication to explain your withholding; it just heaps trouble on trouble. Sit with the discomfort.
Don't tell the person to whom you're telling your secret that they in turn must hold your secret. Your secret then becomes their burden. Before you tell someone, think through your selection of confidantes and ask yourself what knowing your secret might be like for the person you're about to tell. If you're fearful that s/he might spread the information, ask yourself three questions: 1) Is this the right person to tell, is it a person who usually feels the need to spread information around?; 2) Will they tell people who: a) really shouldn't know, or b) I need to tell first; and 3)Why do I care if other people know? What am I so afraid of? Some of these answers might change whom you choose to tell.
Be careful if telling your secret creates an unhealthy triangle. Evan Imber-Black, a psychologist who has done extensive work on secrets within families writes of such a situation, "the secret wedges a boulder between those who know it and those who don't. To remove this obstacle, families must break the triangle formation" [from Psychologytoday.com, July 8, 1998 interview]. What that means, practically, is that you might not be able to pick the person you are closest to to share in your secret. You might not be able to pick your oldest daughter, your closest sibling, or even your best friend.
Watch What This Peer Is Doing with Women and... by zemtv
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6795550
